Long overdue update!

It has been forever since I posted! Let's see - lots to catch up on. Last week I celebrated 8 months since my ACLr. Sometimes it feels like it's been forever, other times it feels like yesterday. I am continuing to build strength and can tell that my hamstring strength is improving, which I am really happy about. There is still a difference in the 2 legs, although it's not too obvious by looking. I also have to keep in mind that my surgery leg was weaker to begin with as I favored the other leg for so long prior to my surgery. My inner thigh above my knee is a little mushy - I don't want to look like I have a fat knee forever. Sigh! 

I have also decided to push my return to aerial back, indefinitely. I may not go back at all. This was a very difficult decision for me, but the right one for a couple reasons. The torque on a knee when you are hanging upside down by it- thinking about it makes me feel a little sick to my stomach at this point. Another piece is that honestly, I am really happy with my recovery and my activity level until I start berating myself about why I haven't gone back yet. It will be a long time before I have that level of trust in my body and my abilities - and if I don't have that, I am putting myself in danger if I go back. The cherry on top was that a dear friend of mine that I train with passed out while she was upside down, 18 feet in the air. She broke her neck and is recovering from a spinal fusion and disk removal. It's just not worth the risk anymore to me - right now anyways. So I am trying to blend my aerial cravings and dance into pole dancing! It's a lot closer to the ground and a fun way to continue to get stronger. And get a LOT of bruises. 

I've been traveling a lot for work so keeping active has been key for me! I went a few days last week without running or biking and regretted it - it was so stiff and achy. I am also getting some really nice new pops on the lateral side of my knee - that area has been really tight. I am working on sitting cross legged again and doing pigeon pose from yoga. The sounds that it makes are pretty spectacular. I am still a dreadful runner but I keep trying! I ran my first 5k the first week of November, and did it in under 35 minutes. I will not win any awards, but I ran almost the whole time and was really proud of my progress. My ultimate goal is to do a 10k, but honestly I don't see that happening anytime soon so I will keep knocking out 2-3 mile runs a few times a week. 


I was also officially discharged from physical therapy! It was a little sad. I have been there 48 times this year! 48 whole hours, not counting the endless hours that I did (and continue to do) at home. I have a lot to be grateful for! I am sure I will go back to tune ups - I can't say enough good things about the benefits of sticking to a consistent PT program. It has really helped me.


Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Some progress....slowly.

It's been a good October! I am officially past the 6 month mark. I was supposed to see my surgeon on Friday, but he rescheduled for 11/7. I will be interested to hear what he has to say, but I think it will be positive. I am still running - and am signing up for my first race, a 5k to benefit cancer research on 11/5. So I am really hoping I don't do anything stupid at the race, because I don't want to hear it at the doctor's appointment. I am pretty much doing 50/50 splits, meaning I run and walk equal amounts. I usually just mark it by song on my iPod. When I first started going 1.2 miles was really hard, and now I am built up to 3-3.5. I go really slow and am not going to break any speed records but I am liking it. It's also a good excuse to buy cute running clothes. Totally justifiable.

My hamstring still is really lagging - we're still doing e-stim at physical therapy. I can definitely think of more fun things to do, but mentally it makes me feel better. It's nice to know it is still alive in there, just taking a little nap, I guess. I'm also surprised that I still have fluid in it after all this time - it puffs up all the time! I have been traveling a lot for work and after flying it's huge. I love ice.

Speaking of ice, I am currently icing something besides my knee right now - I pulled my adductor running this weekend, so I am resting up! I don't want to be down for long - my race is in a couple weeks and I am excited for it. 

Thank you for reading and hope you are having a fabulous fall!

Almost 6 months...what is new?

I really can't believe it's been almost 6 months. In some ways, it's flown by but in others, it's so slow. Overall, things are good and I am making progress, although it's slower than it was initially. I think I got spoiled by all the early progress - I was grateful for the quick healing! But the long run has been a lot harder.

The knee itself feels stable and the mobility is great. Meghan says that if I wasn't as active before as I was, I would probably be a lot happier! I have had it in my head since the beginning that in 6 months, I would be back to aerial (and totally normal). That isn't exactly the case. My medial hamstring (the gracious one that provided the graft) is not happy about being cut, and is really lagging. In muscle testing, the hamstring as a whole is strong, but that little section is barely responsive. I first noticed in my Pure Barre classes- the hamstring exercises have been getting harder, not easier. My calf has been pitching in to help, so it's cramping and pissed most of the time. Meghan used an electronic stimulator on it, to "shock" the muscle back into responding. It did twitch, so it's still alive in there, but it's just healing slower than I had thought. The other piece is, well, I'm not a kid anymore and don't heal as quickly.

I'm trying to find other activities that feel safe to stay active, and that is a very humbling experience! I am really trying to get better at running, and it's slow going. I am a pretty sucky runner, but at least I am moving! I am happy about that. I am also riding the stationary bike and taking lots of Pure Barre. So it's not so bad - I'm just impatient. Imagine that. I have also made friends with a girl that was a marathon runner until she got stress fractures in her hip! So she is building back into running - she has been a big inspiration to me. She completed a sprint triathlon this weekend and trains so carefully, with so much respect for her body and it's limits. What a concept! Maybe that is why I am going through all of this. Good lessons.

13 weeks and one day!

Well, I made it past the dreaded 12-week mark! I see my surgeon next week to get checked, but everything is going okay. My hamstring is still really weak but it is getting stronger - just still working on it every day.

I "graduated" from my formal physical therapy program today, so that was kind of exciting. I have really loved it -it's been so good to have goals to work towards to keep me moving. I celebrated by jumping on my post-op leg on the mini-trampoline, jumping on both legs as hard as I could, and (drumroll please!) sitting on my heels! I still have fluid in my knee that makes this really hard for me, but today was a good day and I was able to do it. It felt really good and I was super excited, especially for 6am.

Jeez, I look short in this picture.

So that's it for now! I probably won't update this too much unless there is something exciting to share, but I still have a ways to go! I will start tiny amounts of jogging in two weeks, and will see my PT once every other week. Thank you for reading - this has been and continues to be a journey for me!

11 Weeks!

Today is 11 weeks since my surgery! I can't believe it's been that long.

Right now, my main challenge is my IT band pain. This week it has stuck to my quad, and Meghan actually took a sink plunger (yes, you read that right) to it. She suctioned it onto my thigh and slid it around to get it to separate everything out. I can tell you that it did not feel that great, but it worked and so it was worth it. I'm still a little swollen and tender but it gets better each day! I'm still icing a lot too - that helps. I also got on the treadmill this week at PT - very exciting! I JOGGED for 2 30-second intervals and stayed on for 10 minutes total. It hurt to jog but it was bearable. I was so excited - you have no idea.

I'm going to Pure Barre 4 times a week at this point and that is going really well. They have lots of new hamstring exercises that they have rolled out (variations on the horrible one I described a couple of posts back) and they are doing those at every class. I wonder sometimes if Meghan is calling them and telling them to lay into the hamstrings. Seriously though, that is where I need to really build up for both of my legs, but expecially the post-op one. It is getting stronger and that's pretty exciting when I can feel some progress. I don't want to cry anymore in class during the hamstring section. I remember crying at doing simple heel slides after surgery. Wow. I really am so grateful for that class because for the 6 weeks or so before my surgery Pure Barre was really the only exercise that felt safe to me - and now as well. I can't say enough about the method or the wonderful instructors that have been so encouraging and kind to me.

My brace came in! It's really, really nice. I would say that even if I didn't know how much my insurance paid for it. It's very comfortable and has 6 straps! They are numbered so that you use them in the right order. It's super lightweight and I think it will be great as I start jogging. I don't think it will be so good for me at aerial or dance, but that's okay. I've got a long way to go before I can get back there anyways.

9 Week and 6 Days - ouch

I had a great weekend of walking, friends, good food, and Pure Barre! Everything felt great (beside the hamstring torture exercises) and one of my teachers even commented on how much more stable I am looking. Then yesterday happened. Aching on the outside of my thigh, near the femur hardware, that got progressively worse. By the end of the day it was really painful to go down the stairs and I was limping. Boo!

I went to PT this morning, and was grossed out at the verdict. Apparently, with my hardware being placed a little differently, it is irritating my IT band - which is responding by sticking to everything around it, including the scar tissue on the hardware. So my morning was spent having it separated from all of the surrounding tissue - apparently this may be an issue that will come up over and over again. It was absolutely as unpleasant as it sounds - I will need to be more vigilant (and apparently more aggressive!) in foam rolling that area.

But the good news is that my worst case scenario fears were not true - everything really is okay with the graft! So that is the most important thing, especially during the first 12 weeks when it's the weakest. We'll keep trucking!

9 Weeks, 2 Days. Dear Hamstring, Please come back. Love, Me

This week was good! Besides the encouraging news at the doctor, I had some good therapy sessions too. Today, the representative from the brace manufacturer came out to my work to measure my leg for the new brace! He showed me a picture of the brace and it looks pretty high tech! It's also very pricey - whew, am I glad to have insurance. It looks like something Darth Vader would wear. Apparently, according to the rep, this is the brace that pro football and basketball players wear and if I watch games, I will see them all the time. So if it's tough enough for the big boys, it should be fine for little old me.

Attractive, yet functional

I went to PureBarre this morning and got my ass kicked. Bad. There is a very intense hamstring exercise that is awesome, but to someone missing a piece of hamstring apparently it is not going to be a good time.

Looks innocent enough...

The exercise looks like the above picture, but we were squeezing a ball in the back of our knee as well. So you do tiny squeezes with the ball, while lifting the whole leg in tiny, tiny movements. I almost blacked out. I think my inner thighs felt sorry for my missing hamstring and decided to pitch in and try to help, because when I walk they feel like they are on fire. I love it and can't wait to recover so I can do it again. Quite possibly tomorrow, but I would skip any additional hamstring torture. I don't want to push too hard with them.

I really, really, really miss aerial. October seems like forever from now- but I will have to keep myself occupied in the meantime. I watch a ton of youtube and have lots of ideas for the trouble I can get into when I am ready. Can't wait!

Sweet, sweet freedom - just under 9 weeks.

See the round circle in the head of my femur?

So, long story short - I got out of the giant brace! I'll keep it handy in case I need it, but my doctor is having me fitted for a new brace this week, just for activity. I had to ask if the brace would let me go back to aerial early, but he said no. It never hurts to ask!

He said everything looked good - I will see him in about a month. I'm still in the most vulnerable time for the graft - until it has time to set and revascularize (so creepy, but cool at the same time) it is the most prone to rupture. It's also a dangerous time because you start feeling more normal and want to do normal things, and you can't yet. I am not taking any chances.

He said the pain I'm having is normal and that as long as it's not severe it's fine. I was a little obsessed with the xrays - it is so bizarre to see your bone with new accessories. He was all excited to tell me about it, especially how the washer (used to secure my pin since my bone is so small) was lined up just perfectly on my femur - not too far to the back, but not too much on the side. Looks like he did a good job! In the picture above, you can see a perfectly round circle in the head of my femur. That's the washer. I don't think you can see it in the picture here, but in the office if you looked carefully you could see the screws in my tibia. They will actually dissolve over time and will be replaced by bone. Medicine is so cool - I wish I was better at science in school. Or maybe had just paid more attention.

Onward and upward! Thanks for reading!

8.5 Weeks

Ever since my surgery, I have been wondering when I would start to feel a little more normal. For me, it was about 8 weeks. That's how long it has taken for me to be more confident moving around in public, to be able to go up and down stairs, and get around. Sticking to my rehab plan has been key - I've been really consistent with my sessions and at-home exercises. I started bouncing on a mini-trampoline, which is a pre-cursor to determining if I am ready to start some light jogging! It didn't hurt at the time, but the outside of my knee has been a little tender and achy ever since. So I am going to take it easy.

In the meantime....I am back at PureBarre! My first class was last Wednesday and I was pretty nervous. Not that the exercises would hurt, but everyone has all their equipment (balls, rubber tubing, hand weights) and all I could think about was not tripping over it. Fortunately, I didn't! It felt so good to be back. There were some exercises today where you were on all fours doing some of the leg presses, so I did those laying on my tummy. It definitely still worked - my hamstring is still pretty weak, but this will help. I'm also still doing a ton of bridging, and more work on the Pilates Reformer. I can't wait for my legs to be the same size again - ha!

I see my surgeon on Monday, so we will see what he has to say. He's going to take an X ray, so it will be so weird to see my bones with washers and screws in them. I am going to try to sneak a picture!

7.5 weeks....

I'm getting to the point where I am feeling a little more back to normal - even though that usually leads to some icing and ibuprofen! I'm doing 20-21 minutes on the bike each day and more squats and bridging than you could imagine. I feel like my hamstring is slowly coming around - but my quad is still very atrophied. The intermittent swelling is to blame for that - Meghan said that it keeps it from firing correctly. So I will keep icing it up!

My brace is now unlocked so I can bend it to 90 degrees! I am able to go up and down stairs pretty well, which is exciting to me. I was in the stairwell at work yesterday, grinning like a fool, and some people in my building were like, why are you taking the stairs?? And why are you so excited about it?

I've been doing lots of stability work on discs and balancing on one leg - my rehab will step down to twice a week. I see the surgeon on 6/13 and am really hoping to get out of the brace. But in the meantime, here is the really big news - next Wednesday, I will get to try a PureBarre class. I'll have to modify a lot of things, especially if there is kneeling involved in the exercises, but I don't care. I will be so happy to be back in a class! If it goes well, I can do the 6am class during the week on my off days from rehab. Back to the burn - I love it.

I went shopping today at the outlet mall and bought some summer clothes, shorts and tees and stuff. I even bought a little romper - I am very excited about it - it's so Three's Company. Come and knock on my door! It's awesome to be out and about again, and to be feeling better. My new knee rocks!

Progress....slowly

I am enjoying the long weekend, even though it started off kind of shaky. Thursday night we had a tornado touch down about a mile from our house and we lost power for about 24 hours. I missed my stationary biking for the first time since I started - I couldn't bring myself to go upstairs to the dark attic room to do it. Plus it would have been ridiculously hot and stuffy.

I feel like I have turned a corner - I don't want to jinx myself, but I am feeling better and better. Mentally as well as physically, which is really good. I also got to do a split for the first time on Thursday at physical therapy, which I was very excited about! I can only do it with the surgery leg in front - it's not ready to be in the back yet, but that's okay. I was also okayed to start using my Pilates reformer again - I can try one new exercise per day. That way, if it causes pain and swelling by the evening I will know what did it. I've done basic squats and calf raises on it - it feels so great! I am so happy to be back on it. I tried to do some hamstring presses today but I think that was a little aggressive - my hamstring was not very interested in doing all of that.

My knee and leg are looking a lot better, too. There is definitely still some atrophy, but it's improved. It doesn't have that soft, "skinny-fat" look to it anymore, which I am happy about. It is still ungodly pale but that is okay - the scars are healing nicely, I think. Is it the Burts Bees? The castor oil? The cocoa butter? Who knows? But all three combined are cheaper than Mederma and working very well.

I am still doing a lot of PureBarre exercises daily - it's just a matter of time before I can go to class! And I would really like to try a tiny bit of jogging. It's exciting to wonder where I will be next week and what I will be able to do. We will see! I am very glad that the post-surgical blues appear to have passed and good days are ahead.

Tomorrow is Six Weeks!

Happy Almost Six Weeks to my new knee! I talked to my physical therapist, and this evening swelling/redness/hotness is normal. It's just my body's response to the new activity - as long as it's not sharp or lasting through the next day, it's fine. So I have gone back to basics and am doing lots and lots of icing. I get so impatient with it - it's easy to forget that it hasn't been that long and it was pretty intensive surgery. I need to be nicer to it instead of all pushy.

Today we did some more stability work - I balanced on a Dyna Disc, on one leg! It was freaking hard! I'm also doing bridges with my feet on the foam roller. I am really liking being challenged with these new exercises.

I really want to do splits but those are still forbidden. I can do some basic yoga, but child's pose is out of the question for a while - which is funny to me, since that's always the place you go if you can't do what the class is doing. I'm still hoping to get to try PureBarre in a couple of weeks - I know I will have to modify everything but I don't care. I will be so happy to be in a class! Hopefully soon.

Day 35 - 5 week mark!

Five Weeks today! I cannot believe it. So I celebrated by accidentally doing too much - way to go!

Everyone has told me all along not to push it, and I have really been very respectful of my body's boundaries. However, the excitement of walking in the brace and being able to bend, plus upping my time on the bike from 15 to 20 minutes for the first time this morning - yeah, I did too much. Nothing hurt while I was doing it, but then tonight my knee is all hot and red again, and really tender and achy. Rats! I am icing it and took some Traumanex, and am going to bed. We will see what my PT says about it tomorrow - hopefully my body will just get used to the increased activity. I really don't want to back off of anything unless I have to! Nighty night.

An early surprise...

Today at PT, Meghan worked on the bb of scar tissue under one of the scope scars. I am supposed to be massaging it but when I get aggressive with the tougher tissue, I get nauseous. What a baby! It seriously feels like a bb. She said that one of the scope portals was for the camera (that one looks great!) and then this one is where they did the actual scoping, which leaves tunnels in the tissue. The little tunnels fill in with scar tissue, and the more superficial part that I can feel happens to feel like a bb. Now I feel extra nauseous.

I did lots of squats on the mini-trampoline, and that was a lot better! Much more stable than when I first tried it. I also did some little stair steps - stepping up is easier than stepping down. That makes it quiver, so I will practice that on a coffee table book at home. Now, for the big surprise...

I am unlocked to 30 degrees! It feels so nice to have the stability of the brace but be able to bend my knee enough to walk. This way, I can practice normalizing my gait and not walk like a caveman. It sounds so little but I couldn't wipe the smile off of my face the rest of the day.

My new toy!

My lower back just above my hip has been really, really bothering me. It's probably due to the weird way I am walking in the brace, but it's really uncomfortable. I've used foam rollers for years to work out kinks in my muscles, but it's so tight my foam roller just couldn't do much for it. A couple of my friends rave about the famed Rumble Roller, but it's $70 and I just was never that motivated to get it. Until now. Meet my new bff.

The Rumble Roller of Pain

I am not going to lie. It's pretty intense and definitely isn't for everyone, or for every part of your body. I used it on my back and it sounded like firecrackers going off - it was awesome. It also felt wonderful on my hamstrings, although I was a little worried it would be too aggressive. I think they miss stretching. My calves, on the other hand, seized up in protest. Oh well! There's plenty to work on in the meantime.

I did 3.5 miles on the bike this morning! Look out, Lance! I'm totally kidding. My uninjured thigh is starting to get a little gigantic, but at least my recovering leg doesn't look as sad as it did. My quad is still really mushy but we're still not doing a lot of things for it - we're still focused heavily on the gluts and hammies. I'm also doing a lot of total body strengthening as well - I am going to need it if I'm going back to PureBarre! I'm holding elbow planks for about 60 seconds (I will get to 90!) and holding squats for 2.5 minutes. I've got plenty to work on. I'm also going to talk to my PT about adding in a couple short term goals - I want to be able to do my splits and also sit cross legged. With the splits it's not a challenge in terms of flexibility, but it's more getting into the position that seems to be the challenge.

I think I am accepting the process a little better than I have been and my spirits are improving as a result. I just keep reminding myself that everything is temporary and that always makes me feel a little brighter. I hope you have a good day today as well!

2nd post op visit with the surgeon - 5/12/11

I started my day with a 6am PT appointment with Meghan, and she did all my strength testing and flexion/extension measurements. From when I started, we have made great progress!
Current Extension - 2 degrees hyperextended, previous was 0 degrees (right leg is 5 degrees - we don't want that much!)
Current Flexion - 139 degrees flexion, previous was 94 degrees (right leg is 145 degrees)

She's also pleased with how much stability has progressed -that will continue to be my focus. She had me start doing squats on a mini-trampoline today - my knee just quivers away, so we have some work to do there!

My next set of short term (6-8 weeks) goals are:
1) To return to PureBarre classes with minimal modifications needed (YIPPEE!!!)
2) To be back in high heels

At least I know where my priorities are. She sent me to my visit to my surgeon with all of my reports. He is happy with the way things are going and said everything looks great, the graft is not torn, and he is glad that I am paranoid. I still have to wear the brace, but I can take it off to sleep and in 2-3 weeks, he said he'll have Meghan start teaching me to walk with the brace unlocked. My gait is pretty off from walking in the locked brace - I'm not bending my knee enough and it's straining my hip.  He had brought in a doctor in training to feel my freaky joints - they really have a good time with them there. I am glad to entertain! He also said the scars look great and he said that the cocoa butter was the best thing out there for them! Check it out - they are looking better.

I will see the surgeon in another month and hopefully we will be in even better shape!

5/10/11 - almost one month....

Things are going well! The bike is helping with the muscle atrophy, which I am very happy about. My right thigh is still about twice the size of my left, but I think once I get out of the brace and can walk a little more it will even out with use. My scars are looking good too - I reek of cocoa butter, but that is a small price to pay for faded scars. And way cheaper than Mederma - yippee!

The aerial show this weekend was fantastic! Everyone did so well and I was so caught up in the performances it didn't occur to me to be sad. Meghan, my physical therapist, came as well! She wanted to see what exactly it was that I needed to get back into when all is said and done. I think she was slightly alarmed, especially by the amount of "hanging by one or two knees" that she saw. Every once in a while she would nudge me, point, and just say "no". Watching the amount of twisting and turning on aerial silks hurt my knee to even see it - I think that will be the toughest one for me, but I will cross that bridge when I get there. In the meantime, I will keep on with my baby steps! It is really going to be a long road but I am getting better every day.

I still have a fair amount of pain, but it pops up all over the place. It's mostly achy sensations, and also some itching inside of the knee, which is pretty unpleasant since I can't scratch under my skin. I keep telling myself it's all part of the healing process. Every couple of days, I have a tiny panic that somehow I have ruptured the graft, but Meghan assures me that I would know if I did. I see my doctor on Thursday, so we will see what he says. I am going to lobby for a couple of things - getting out of the brace or at least unlocking it, and maybe starting some (extremely gentle and easeful) yoga. I know he's the professional, but I am going to build my case and let you know how it goes. I am sure he will be thrilled to know all of my plans and opinions.

5/5/11 - Bandage free!

Brace yourself. I got a new phone (yay!) and it has a great camera on it, but I think it makes my skin look downright ghastly. Or maybe it isn't the camera and it really looks that way - yikes. I would get a spray tan but I don't think my little wounds would appreciate it. I got the clear plastic bandage off, and nothing spewed out of it when my physical therapist removed it, to my relief!

The swelling is just a few lumpy areas around my knee, and the scars are healing. I heard to save my money on Mederma and slather it with Burt's Bees and straight up Cocoa Butter instead. So that is what I am doing! I started doing lots of exercises on the ball today, and that was fun but hard. I think I will sleep like a champ tonight.

I am really proud of myself for sticking to the rehab so far - I have not missed a set of exercises or my daily bike time. I know it sounds funny, but I am almost scared to! Knees are important, people. If you bust up the ones you have, you have to take care of them when you get them fixed. Otherwise, what is the point?

This weekend we're going to go watch my aerial class perform at a student showing. I am so excited to see everyone and what they have put together, and am going to try not to be too sad. I'm also coming to terms with the fact that there are going to be a lot of things I'm not going to be able to do again, but so far in this process I am learning to focus on the things that I CAN do- and I'll just have to continue with that!

4/30/11 - Losing count of days. :)

Things are going pretty well! I think I have gotten the "hot leg" issue under control. I haven't received the cryo-cuff yet, but a couple days after surgery my acupuncturist gave me some herbs to take. Of course I didn't take them, I just threw them in my purse. I took them out finally and looked at them, and realized that they're for broken bones, inflammation, and swelling - the formula is called Traumanex. I cannot believe how well they worked - within an hour my leg felt pretty normal. The swelling is almost completely gone. I am taking it 3 times a day and am really pleased with how much more comfortable I am.

Being more comfortable is making my rehab go better as well, but I have discovered that doing the bike first thing in the morning is what works best for me. It means I have to get up earlier, and believe me, I do not want to get on a bike within minutes of waking - but the movement gets rid of the stiffness that comes during the night and I find that I am more comfortable the rest of the day. If I put it off until after work, I'm usually already tired at that point - so this is working for me. My hamstring sets and curls are definitely getting better, and my legs don't feel as doughy. I'm doing all of my different leg lifts and glut exercises, plus the baby squats and calf raises. I'm still doing ab and upper body stuff - I got on my Pilates Reformer and did some arm and shoulder work. I just sit on it and leave my legs out of it!

Very glad it's the weekend after a hectic first week back at work - hope you are enjoying yours!

4/28/11 - Holy Hotness

I have a furnace attached to my body. My left leg, from the knee down, is ROASTING. This is apparently normal and just due to the healing process and increased blood flow. If it was winter, and a family was freezing to death and only had their oven to (dangerously) heat their home, I could market myself to be their new heater. I wish I was kidding! It woke me up last night at 2am, so I iced it again and took more Motrin. It can be a sign of infection, but it really isn't painful, nor do I have a fever or any other symptoms of that.

Maybe the heat will melt off the rest of this permanent marker from the surgeon.

I went to my PT today, and Meghan did some kind of magical massage to break down the inflammation. It feels like a normal leg, which I am excited about. She said I needed to ice more - good thing I found a cryo-cuff on eBay and paid for expedited shipping! Hopefully it will be here by the weekend, because I am going to wear that thing OUT.

PT was great! I got to add some resistance to the bike, and also am adding baby squats, calf raises, and more glut squeezes to the mix. Other than the crazy heat, I'm feeling good about things and looking forward to the weekend.

2 weeks since surgery - Woo hoo!

2 weeks ago right now I was terrified and having my IV put in my arm, while watching my heartrate skyrocket on a monitor. I was also watching my poor mother-in-law turn green watching my surgeon bend my leg every way possible. Today, I am back to work and happy to be here!

PT is going well - we're working to get the swelling down. It's settling in my calf, ankle and foot - Meghan, my physical therapist, works on it by pushing the swelling back up my leg, which hurts in a nice way. Being back at work and more on my feet is making it swell more - I need to up my game with ice. I returned my machine on Monday - if the swelling continues I might try to find a used one on eBay to buy. Rats - I knew I would miss that thing.



Would you like some coffee with your cankle?

 I am up to 15 minutes on the bike, which I do every day! No resistance yet, but I do get to go a little faster as tolerated. I still do all my leg lift variations, and I got some glut and thigh PureBarre exercises approved by my PT! Just the more linear ones that I can do with a straight leg, but I will take it. I'm also side-stepping to build stability, and squeezing a ball between my thighs. This muscle atrophy thing is just not okay with me. She had me try some bridging this week, but my surgery leg just kept sliding out from under me. So we aren't ready for that one yet, but tomorrow she's going to have me try some baby squats. Emphasis on BABY. I also enjoy chatting with Meghan - besides being a fantastic physical therapist, she's also quite funny.

I will also say that the day I am out of this brace will be a big one. My outfits are definitely not up to the cuteness par that I like to maintain, but it is making me stretch my creativity a bit. Dear GOD I miss high heels.

Day 12 - 4/24/11

Still stir crazy. The worst part is I could get out of the house, but then can't really anything. I might go to the grocery store to add a little excitement into my day - that is what it has come to.

But there is a little ray of sunshine today to share:


The return of the prodigal knee cap

 Yes, it might be encased in still-slightly puffed, marshmallow-colored skin, but that is my kneecap. I was wondering if it was still in there - I certainly didn't expect to see it for another few weeks. Bruising is also still minimal - I do have a large bruise on my calf (Meghan, my PT says it looks like a handprint - what did they do to me while I was in there?) but it's not nearly as spectacular as I had expected. I have the arnica and cryo-cuff to thank for all of this.

In other news, I did my hamstring sets today and for the first time, did not get tears in my eye. If this is what progress looks like then I will gladly accept it.

Back to PT tomorrow and I think I am going to go back to the office on Tuesday after my PT and acupuncture appointments. I have never been so excited to be back to work - my coworkers sent me a gorgeous arrangement of roses yesterday. They're a good group and I am eager to have a little more human companionship. So back to work it is! Happy Easter to those that celebrate.

Day 11 - Reality Setting In.

So, I think I am at the point in my recovery where I'm realizing, HOLY COW, what have we done. It takes all the effort in the world to do the smallest things, and my left leg is rapidly shrinking. My thigh has not been this thin since high school, which ordinarily would be a source of joy, but it's because the muscles have left the building. I will be honest - I am possibly a little on the vain side and this is causing a panic. Am I going to turn into biscuit dough before this is all done? I know it will come back but I just need to accept it's going to get worse before it gets better. My recovery is going ahead of schedule and I need to find gratitude for that and that I WILL get better - this is just temporary. To make myself feel better I am doing as many ab and upper body exercises as I can - as long as I don't turn into one of those guys that overdoes the upper body and then has spaghetti legs all is well. You know who I am talking about.

So lets talk about the good stuff. The swelling is getting better - there are some big lumps but overall I think it's looking pretty good. I'm really impressed that the bruising is minimal. That's pretty awesome.

I always hated exercise bikes, but since that's all I can really do it's my favorite part of my rehab. I am only cleared for 10 minutes and I don't want to overdo it, so right now I am dying to get on the bike but will probably save it for later. I listen to my little iPod with my running playlist, full of super-hard angry rock music. Since I am riding at a snails pace for 10 minutes, that music may be overkill. I think I will make a new playlist and fill it with softer, more appropriate music. Or maybe I won't.



 I don't know if you can read the stats on that baby, but I go about 2-3 miles an hour for 10 minutes, for a grand total of one half mile. And it's absolutely amazing I can get my knees to allow the rotation on the bike at this stage - my PT says most people just do half-circles back and forth for weeks. This whole process is making me a little tired of being so hard on myself. It's a little exhausting - maybe that is the bigger lesson I am supposed to get out of this.

Thanks for reading - this whole journey is definitely not all puppies and butterflies, but my goal in sharing it was to give a realistic view of what happens during the process. Prior to my surgery, there were many blogs that were great resources to me - I hope that someone stumbles upon mine one day so I can give a little something back.

Enough cheesiness- I am getting on my bike. Tool playlist and all. Have a beautiful Saturday.

4/21/11 - First Day of Physical Therapy!

I started physical therapy today and was so ready - I don't sit still very well and have been itching to find out what I can (and can't) do. I also learned that as I suspected, 120 degrees in the CPM machine is very different than that range of motion out of it. I already have some of my hyperextension back in my surgery knee, which is great news. I wanted it to at least somewhat match the other, and I would look funny with one bendy knee and one tight one. I have about 3 degrees now and would like for it to stay that low. I can bend to 95 degrees on the surgery leg. Sounds great, right? However, with my flexibility I have a little more ground to make up. My non-injured leg is at 5 degrees hyperextension and 145 flexion. But I'm in a good place for now.

I am approved to do straight leg lifts and hamstring sets, which are hard! Because I'm so mobile already, she is focusing on my hamstrings first - later she will work on my quads. The quads extend and stretch the ACL, so we don't want those getting too crazy - the hamstrings balance them out and stabilize the ACL. I finally felt today for the first time that my hamstring is missing a little something. I can do the leg lifts in all directions except for the one that focuses on inner thigh work. My hamstrings are not able to stabilize my knee, so my lower leg drags and bends to the side. Gross.

I also got to get on the bike today! I am not winning any races, but I could make full rotations. It felt incredibly good to move - I really think that not moving causes me more discomfort than the surgery. Now if I can just find a way to be comfy when I sleep - having this giant thing is not a good sleep aid. I tried to roll over onto my side a couple of nights ago and it did not go well - my hubby found this hilarious to witness.

So for now, I will do 10 minutes on the bike, and my leg lifts and hammie sets 3x a day. Thank goodness I love my physical therapist, because Lord knows we are going to be spending a LOT of time together.

Day 7 - First Follow Up with Surgeon!

My doctor's office called yesterday and had to move my appointment up to today, which sounded good to me! I was interested to hear how things were from his perspective.

Overall it went great! He said that the incision on the side of my outer thigh is a little different, because he had to attach everything higher on my femur. Also, because I am small, the bolt-like thing that holds the new ligament in place was popping through the tunnel. He added a washer to make sure it was secure, so that is a good thing. So far it feels really strong! He said he couldn't believe how low the swelling was and was thrilled I am already off the narcotics.

His biggest concern for me isn't mobility; it's getting my muscles strong enough to protect the new ligament quickly. Without that, I can easily rupture it and I really don't want to do this again. So physical therapy will be key - I called and was able to start on Thursday morning. He also said my little arm weights and ab exercises were fine, but to lay off the leg lifts and lower body work other than the physical therapy. He did some additional testing on my uninjured leg during surgery, and he has concerns about how long it will hold but I am optimistic that this strength training will be great for both my stems. He just kept telling me how unstable I was - which struck me as pretty hilarious. Good thing I didn't do this 10 years ago.

Best of all, I can DRIVE! And SHOWER without stupid plastic bags and Saran Wrap. I start back to work (working from home, I am not that aggressive!) tomorrow under the watchful eye of my new manager.

I hope you weren't planning on a long lunch today.

4/18/11 Day 6

What exciting has happened in the past couple of days? Well, I hit 100 degrees on the CPM machine, which is ahead of schedule and feels really good. I'm still working on my leg extension - I think it's going well, but because my knee is so used to hyperextending that it doesn't feel like it's really straight. When I eyeball it, it looks like I'm getting there. Heel slides (I started to type "hell slides" - Freud would enjoy that) are really hard for me to do unassisted. Due to the hamstring stripping, it doesn't seem like my hamstring is interested in helping me out. I have to pull under my thigh to bend my knee - that's a more active way to work the range of motion, so it's harder than the CPM, which is more "set it and forget it". I would guess I'm about at 75-80 degrees on that measure. We will get the verdict at physical therapy, which I start a week from today! I see my doctor on Thursday, so I'm looking forward to seeing what he has to say. The big risk the first couple of months is that the hamstring graft will not be set, so it's very easy to tear. I don't think I've done anything too crazy - I'm working hard but being careful and keeping all knee movement linear. Ankle pumps and circles feel like heaven.

I took one pain pill yesterday in the morning, and 2 at night - so I'm way down on that! Today I am not going to take one and then take one at bedtime. Night is still the hardest for me. Inflammation is pretty uncomfortable - my leg feels hot all the time, especially if I'm not using my ice pack. But the pain is manageable, especially when I think about all that was done to it. When the day comes that they want me to give my rented ice machine back, I might have to fight someone. I love that thing.

4/16/11 - Day 4

Last night was wonderful - got a visit from my buddy Elizabeth, which provided many laughs and definitely lifted my spirits. I also slept really well last night - a solid 8 hours before I woke up for pain meds and new ice! I am also down today to taking only one pill each dose, but since night is still the worst I will probably take 2 at bedtime. I am pleased with that - I want to take them as needed but if I can get away without them I would rather.

I changed the dressing again today and the swelling appears to be down - the bruising is minimal as well, which surprised me. I am crediting the arnica for that - when I first started pole and aerial and looked like I had been beaten, arnica took away swelling and bruising like nothing else. I strongly recommend it. When I unwrapped it today, one of the little pieces of tape on top of the stitches came off and that freaked me out, like my shin would come flying through it. And to think I once wanted to be a doctor.

I am stir crazy today and a little cranky, but I think that's because I can't get out of the house. I am pretty sure I have seen every episode ever of Law and Order, and am hitting new lows in the shows I am watching. I make a pathetic couch potato. But here is the good news: on the CPM, I will hit 90 degrees today. I can do straight leg raises and prone leg hangs without pain. I also did some leg lifts and crunches today, as well as some little tricep dips. Once my hamstring figures out what's going on, it's gonna be so mad. But the more I move around, the better I feel - I'm still taking it easy. I am interested to hear what my surgeon says when I see him next week - I think I'm making good progress but have no idea of what the benchmarks are at this point. Even in ACL recovery, I am competitive. Go figure.

4/15/11 PM update

Today has been much better than last night! I've been taking arnica to try to control swelling, which hopefully will help. I've been pretty active too - up to 82 on the CPM machine, ahead of schedule. I'm getting around without crutches here and there, and walking (very slowly and carefully!) feels so good. I've also done lots of ankle pumps and heel slides - bending is tough but extension is more important from what my doctor has said. Bending is also hard because of all the dressings on my knee from the surgery....so it was time to change them and take a peek! I was very nervous at what it would look like, but so far it's looking pretty good! Please ignore my whiteness - it's a miracle I didn't blind the surgeon.

Missing: My Kneecap

There's a one inch incision where the shiny clear tape is, and that's where he cut to get to my hamstring. This is mystifying to me, since my hamstring is in the back, but that's the way they do it. On the other side of my thigh, there's another 1 inch incision - I think that's where they went into my femur? Who knows. I should probably ask about these things. Then there are 2 tiny holes on top of my knee cap where they did more stuff, including the meniscus repair. I'm so grateful my PCL was okay but they did find a meniscus tear that he fixed. He also cleaned up some other fun cartilage stuff that wasn't supposed to be there. The bruising is not bad at all but I hear the good colors come later - maybe the arnica will keep that from happening. The swelling is what makes it hurt so I will be happy to see that go. But for now it's definitely super puffed.

My mother-in-law stayed with me again today, and she washed my hair! It was wonderful...I took a little bath with my leg propped out of the tub later on. So fresh and so clean - nice change. And I think I am getting another visitor tonight so it's good I won't be stinky. My hubby has been so great too - he gets up at 4am to get my pain pills and change my ice, and then works all day! I am a lucky lady.

Day 3 - April 15th, 2011

So, I was thinking I was super tough and doing awesome - until the last of the nerve block left and the swelling kicked up. Yesterday overall was a great day - spent about 9 hours in the CPM (which feels so good!) and did my exercises. The last one I did before bed was propping my foot up on a rolled up towel and pushing my knee down - pretty intense but not horrible. A little while later (and it was also time for new ice and a pill - not a good combo) when I went to go to bed, it felt like my leg was going to explode. Being upright was bad, getting into bed was worse - and trying to get comfortable seemed impossible. You have to be very careful about propping your leg up - you want it higher than your heart, but you also need to prop to be under the ankle, not the knee. Propping under the knee can make the new ligament shorten, requiring more surgery, and I am not interested in that. But Mark found a long bolster pillow that we put under my calf and foot lengthwise - and I got some rest! I keep telling myself that this is the worst of it - in a few days the swelling will be better and I will be more mobile - I just had surgery 48 hours ago. It's hard to be patient!



This is my view for the day. Don't be jealous.


Today I am going to have a good day and keep everything moving and elevated - I didn't change the dressing yesterday but will today, along with a much needed shower. Thank you for reading!

First day post op = overall better than expected

Today has been okay - thank God for pain medicine and ice! This ice machine that circulates ice around my knee has been money - I am so glad that I have it. I have used it almost non-stop. Overall, I think my progress is good! I started my CPM machine at 60 degrees as instructed, but through the day have been able to get to 70. My goal is 5-10 degrees each day until I reach about 110-120 degrees over the next couple of weeks. I have also been able to begin some basic exercises - contracting my quad was really hard, especially with the nerve block. This afternoon I managed some straight leg raises and heel slides - yay! Mark's mom came to spend the day with me and brought me food, which was much appreciated. My appetite is still small but I need to eat.

It isn't all sunshine and rainbows...my nerve block is wearing off quickly and holy cow, it is a little intense. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like someone took a baseball bat to the back of my knee. The swelling in my leg is pretty aggressive as well - but overall I am happy with where I am. I am also really hoarse and don't have much of a voice from the intubation, so I'm not really talking. This ice feels like heaven - later on, we are going to change the dressing on this puppy. I'll definitely take some pics that I might share if they aren't too disgusting. Thanks again for the nice comments, texts and messages. Even if my response is a little incoherent, it comes from a good place.

Home, finally!

All went well and right now I am pretty with the program, but I have a feeling that will change shortly so I thought now was a good time for a little recap. I was really nervous and my doctor was running a little behind, so it gave me more time to be nervous. The nurses were awesome and so helpful, which was nice. I met with the anesthesiologist, who promised to give me some "kickapoo joy juice" after I talked to my doctor. We agreed on general anesthesia, and he also offered to give me a femoral nerve block that would numb my whole leg. Yes, please! Dr. Burbank came back and chatted with Mark and my mother-in-law, all while showing them all the lovely ways my knee can move. Finally, the nurse anesthetist, who was one of the nicest people in the world, came to give me the relaxation stuff. I don't remember anything really after that - Mark says I didn't do anything mortifying, so I hope that is the truth. He did say I was telling jokes in a very grandiose manner - imagine that. Here is a picture I don't remember taking - when did they put a little cap on me?

Do not let this woman make any decisions.

I woke up in recovery and they fed me graham crackers and ginger ale, which was wonderful since I hadn't eaten or drank anything since midnight!

Best meal ever. I think I drained their graham cracker supply.

I'm not really in pain but it's hard to get comfy. Mark has gone to the store to fill my pain meds prescription, and once he gets back I will start taking those. As soon as he left, our neighbor came to the back door to bring flowers that were delivered while we were gone, but I am all hooked up to my ice machine thingy and can't reach my crutches. I tried to call out to her, but I also don't have much of a voice from the tube in my throat, so it was a kind of funny, helpless moment. So now, I have gorgeous flowers I can see through the window, but I can't get my hands on them or see who they are from! I hope Mark hurries home so I can take my meds and get my flowers - also, it will be time to put my knee into the CPM machine. THAT will be fun, especially since I can take my brace off and get a little peek at the giant, swollen, leg-like appendage that I can't feel right now.

THANK YOU for all the texts and facebook messages today - they really lifted my spirits, especially when I was nervous and things were running late. I am blessed to have wonderful friends and family.

Getting ready!

Tomorrow is the big day! I am still a little anxious but there is plenty to do in the meantime to keep me busy. And if I was thinking about maybe postponing it (and I was), that thought was eradicated when my knee slipped out cleaning my mat after PureBarre this morning. Fine, fine - I will go!

There are so many things to remember before I go in tomorrow morning. Tonight we will get the couch all ready, as well as the recliner (that might be better to sleep in the first few days). I'll have to take off my nail polish (boo!) so they can check my nailbeds to make sure I'm getting enough oxygen during surgery. No food or drink after midnight tonight - then tomorrow morning, no makeup (again, so they can check my color), no lotion (so that all the little sticky monitors will adhere to my skin), no deodorant.

The surgery is at 9:15, but we will get to the hospital 2 hours early. They'll check me in, and move me to a pre-op area where they will start an IV. Because I confessed to the anesthesia nurse that I am a little anxious, they will probably give me something to relax me at that time as opposed to right before they take me in. I hope so, because otherwise I am going to be tempted to make a run for it.

I will most likely have general anesthesia, and they will harvest a section of my hamstring to make the new ACL. They'll drill tunnels into my tibia and femur to thread the new "ligament" through, and secure it with screws. If he has to replace my PCL like he thinks, they will use a cadaver tendon to do that. The whole thing should take about 2.5 hours. As soon as I am awake, they are going to have me start working to straighten my leg - they are sending me home with a CPM (Continuous Passive Motion) machine that I will start using that day. I'll put my leg into it for several hours while it just bends and straightens it for me. I will have crutches but they want me to start trying to put weight on my leg as soon as I can. The more active I am the better my healing will be - so I am all for that! They'll also send me home with a machine that goes around my knee and will circulate ice around it. This is all pretty high tech - so I am happy that I waited to have my surgery! All of these things will help my comfort as well as my healing, so I feel very lucky to have access to them.

I'll probably be pretty out of it tomorrow but if I can update this I will - it might not make any sense. I will also be busy making Mark wait on me hand and foot while I do the opposite of what he tells me to do. I am sure he can't wait!

48 hours and counting....

And I am ready to go, although I am very anxious! No medicines, no aspirin, and worst of all no Chinese herbs or Valerian to calm me down. I would like to thank my good friend Katie for suggesting that I put lavender oil on my forehead before going to bed - that plus 90 minutes of yin yoga in the afternoon worked wonders on my insomnia!

As a side note, I can't help but laugh everytime we work our hamstrings in class. My poor hammies have no idea what is coming - I feel a little guilty, like I'm fattening up lambs for the slaughter. It's all for the greater good.

How it all began....



What on earth was I thinking? View from the top of the Nastar trail at Stowe.

 So, this morning I was remembering how this whole knee affair began, and it's actually pretty funny when I look back at it. I thought I would share.

I grew up in Ocala, a small town in North Central Florida. As you can imagine, there is no snow there - other than seeing snow in Missouri when I was an infant (which I totally don't remember) I had no snow experience. When I was 14, my dad told us that we were going to Stowe, Vermont for a skiing trip, I was super excited. I had always been pretty athletic and skiing sounded like a lot of fun. It also looked kind of easy.

We went to Stowe in mid-January, and it was a fun, rather uneventful trip. My parents signed us up for skiing lessons, and we spent a couple of days on the bunny slopes under the watchful eye of our instructor. I picked it up fairly easily and was whizzing down the beginner slopes in no time! My dad saw a sign for a skiing race that was open to all ages, and suggested that we enter since we were all learning it so well. Being the competitive group that my siblings and I are, we eagerly agreed. The race was our last full day in Vermont before leaving, and it seemed like the perfect way to end the trip.

The morning of the race dawned, and we headed for the slopes. We checked in with the Nastar (!!) officials and got our numbers pinned to our ski bibs. That should have given me my first clue that I was in over my head. We went over to our usual ski lift, and the operator, seeing our numbers, pointed out that we needed to go to a different ski lift. He pointed towards a lift that seemed to go all the way up into the sky. At that point, my stomach dropped and I realized we were in big trouble - but didn't want to let on and be made fun of by my siblings. If I was going down, I was going down with lots and lots of pride. The picture at the top of this post is one that I found online of the Nastar trail at Stowe, so you can see why I was crying on the inside. Below is a picture of me and my siblings - you can tell I know this won't end well.




My face says it all. From Left: Will, Brian, me, Kim


We rode the giant lift into the sky, and were deposited at the top of the biggest mountain I have ever seen. They organized us into the lineup, and there were other people in between my siblings and me. I finally tearfully confessed to the woman beside me that I was really scared - she pointed out that she was a beginner as well, and had only skied for 3 or 4 years. OMG. As we got closer to the front of the line, I discovered that as an added bonus there were gates to go in and out of. Oh my God, this was a slalom course? It just got worse and worse. I think my brother Brian went first, and just shot straight down, missing all the gates. At least he was alive. I think Kim went next, and even though she went down on her tush the whole way, she was okay. I started to gain hope. Maybe I did have a shot - I was going to do it as legitimately as I could and make sure I did all the gates. Even if I was slow I wouldn't be disqualified.

I got the front of the line, and positioned myself into the little gateway, leaning into the door. It opened and I shot out, quickly positioning my feet into the pie piece that our instructor had taught us. This slowed me down to a crawl, and I felt better. I carefully weaved in and out of each gate, and started to think things weren't so bad. I was doing it and it was awesome! That is when I hit a patch of ice and flew off the side of the mountain.

I don't remember anything about the fall or what happened or how I fell, exactly. Nor do I know how long I was knocked out. I don't think it was very long, because I became aware of people on the ski lift above me calling down and asking if I was okay, and that I had a really bad fall. I looked up the mountain and quite a ways up was my right ski. My first thought was, "There is no way in hell I am going to retrieve that ski and put it on." I looked around and was in a bit of a wild area, just off the ski path. How on earth was I getting off that mountain? My heroes on the ski lift hollered that they were sending help for me, and I relaxed a bit. I definitely needed some help. Nothing really hurt badly, but my left knee just felt funny. I figured that was because a ski was attached to it. My little brother, Will, sailed by and asked me if I was okay - I told him to carry on.
Buck and Andy with the ski patrol arrived, and they cheerfully asked what had happened. I told them I was fine, and when they asked if I was hurt I informed that my knee felt funny but that my father was an excellent doctor and would be able to check me out. They asked for my name and my father's name, and I couldn't tell them either of those. They determined I was in shock and wrapped me in white blankets as they loaded me onto the stretcher. I still think it's hilarious that I couldn't tell them my name, but I still remember that they were named Buck and Andy.

I was nervous as they zipped me down the giant mountain in a toboggan, but we quickly got to the bottom where I was put into some ambulance-looking vehicle from the ski resort. I found out later that when they brought me off the mountain, the blanket had flown over my head and my mother, seeing my little covered body, thought I was dead. Nope, just in shock and ready to go back home. At the hospital, they X-rayed my leg and determined that I had cracked the top of my tibia, right up to my growth plate. For that reason, they didn't pull on it or do tests for my ligaments as they were concerned that if the growth plate was damaged my leg wouldn't grow. Little did they know, I wouldn't grow any more anyways. We would find out when I got out of my ginormous cast that my ACL was torn.

My last night in Stowe was awesome. I was not in pain, thanks to the medicine they gave me, and we attended the awards ceremony at the resort that night. I was awarded a purple heart award, and the resort gave me lots and lots of presents. I couldn't decide if they felt bad for me for my injury or for being so clueless. "Really? This was your 3rd day on skis and you entered a race? Really??" Yes, yes I did.

6 Days and Counting....

So, I am hoping that if I write out all the things floating around my head, maybe I won't wake up at 2am and be so tired tomorrow. I think I am just really anxious, which is probably normal - but more than that I just want to get this show on the road.

I don't think I'm that nervous about the surgery itself - I think I know what to expect with that, but it's the things I don't know that bother me. Like, not knowing when I will be up for driving. I doubt I'll stay on the pain meds for too long, and they say it will be about a week, but how will I fit my brace in the car? What if I just wear myself out and then can't drive home? My doctor's office is pretty far from my house, so I better eat my Wheaties that day. Or maybe just suck it up and ask my hubby to drive me. :)

And then there are the random things to be scared of. Like my dog knocking into me and snapping my new ligament. Or what if I just get out of bed in the middle of the night and forget, and jump on my leg. These are the things that are keeping me up and they are pretty silly! I just am ready to go so I can start recovering - wish me some sweet, sweet zzzzs tonight.

The Verdict Is In!

I went back to the doctor today, and it was a pretty interesting time. He handed me the report from the radiologist on my MRI, which said that my knee showed as normal. He thinks that scar tissue is appearing to be ligament in the MRI, but from the clinical tests he did the ACL doesn't exist. What was interesting was that my PCL, which when he pulls on it seems pretty sturdy, appears to have a tear. It's also kinked, which was very strange. So he is approaching it as needing to replace both of them, but he'll have to get his eyes on the PCL to decide what to do. He is recommending that we use my hamstring for the ACL, and then cadaver for my PCL if he replaces it. I was a little worried that my hamstrings won't hold, because they are ridiculously stretchy - but he said he would check it out and if they looked wimpy he'll use cadaver. I don't have a personal preference either way - since he does this every day I will just let him do his job. :)

SO, all that being said - why waste time? It's also progressively becoming looser, so next Wednesday, April 13th, is D-Day. I've got a lot to do before then - like build as much muscle as I can so that I'll have more to waste away while I am recovering. 3-6 months for a full recovery - and he said for my aerial stuff it will be more like 6 months.

When I think about that it makes me very sad - but I am so limited right now in what I can do it doesn't really matter. So let's do this so I can get better and back to normal.

Getting looser...

So, I get my MRI results on Monday and we will set my surgery date. I am a little nervous but very ready to move forward. I went to Miami for work this week, which was a nice change of scenery. I am a little creeped out that my knee seems to be getting looser - I thought it was my imagination, but after sitting in a chair in meetings all day with my legs crossed, my lower leg popped out from under my knee. So I guess I should learn to cross my ankles or cross my other leg.

A friendly reminder...

I was at Pure Barre yesterday (favorite class ever!) and when we were at the barre doing some plie-type exercises, I got a little aggressive and bent lower through my knee than I should have. It's really hard for me to respect my body's limits, especially when I am the only person under 60 not squatting to the ground. So I dipped a little bit lower, and my knee started to give me the "warning" sliding feeling. Plus, it hurt - which it usually doesn't, even when it goes out. So I stood back up and did the best I could to finish. These "listening to your body" lessons are hard for me - I guess it's good to learn them now. I will have plenty of time to be aggressive with it, like during rehab.

The goods....

I know that once my knee is all nice and tight I will forget what it looked like when it was all wonky. In high school, one of my friends called it my "banana leg". So I want to take a few pics to remember it by! Here is a little snack for your viewing pleasure - it is not normal. And yes, my foot/toes are janky too. We aren't fixing those.

MRI - check!

So, I went for my 7am MRI today. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The 20-something girl that was getting me set up let me know that the machine was really loud, and offered me some headphones so I could listen to the radio. She asked me what station I wanted, and when I couldn't think of local stations (I'm an XM junkie) she suggested that I would enjoy the "easy listening" station. Haha! I guess I look like that is what I jam out to.

Thankfully, I didn't have to go all the way inside the machine - that would have freaked me out. My head was left outside, which was a nice touch. The machine was really loud and started and stopped a bunch of times - you have to be really still, so of course that made me want to move. But I held still and after about 20 minutes of easy listening I was all done!

Of course I am itching to know what information came out of it, but I won't know until 4/4. I think I am in some sort of denial - I'm still thinking maybe he'll tell me that it's not torn or messed up, that I just have wiggly joints and if I do a bunch of squats I will be good. My hubby says this means I am delusional. This may be true.

The Beginning....

So, after all of these years, it looks like I am finally going to fix my sketchy knee. It all started about 20 years ago, when I broke my leg and tore my ACL while snow skiing. At the time, they elected not to do surgery because of my age - but warned me that eventually I would need to have it done if I stayed active.

Fast forward 20 years - I'm 35, and thankfully very active! Over the years I have been able to work around my injury and stayed active in many ways - dance, yoga, aerial training, even pole dancing. But over the past couple of months, it's started to give way. There isn't a lot of pain, but it has become quite unstable - slipping out of joint and such. That is the most nauseating feeling ever - and after consulting with my husband and physical therapist, have decided to move forward. I've put it off for years mainly out of not wanting the downtime - but if I take out another ligament with it, it could be even worse.

I saw my new orthopedic surgeon last week - he pulled my leg in every direction imaginable, and confirmed that my ACL is, indeed, toast. I'm getting an MRI tomorrow to see if there is anything else in there that needs repair, and then will meet with him on 4/4 to talk about the results and what options there are. But he did confirm that surgery would be involved - eek!

I will try to post tomorrow about the MRI - the idea of being in a tube doesn't make me super happy, because I am sure I will have to pee at some point since I won't be able to move. In the meantime, my personal game plan is to be as active as possible and be as strong as I can so I will heal faster. Don't know what my doctor would think of that, but it sounds like a good plan for me!